“Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.”
— Mark Twain
Who among us hasn’t witnessed a few relational “train wrecks” when it comes to handling offenses? Gossip, slander, false accusations, and other forms of character assassination often indicate that true reconciliation isn’t the goal. Like Jezebel and Ahab, who falsely accused Naboth to steal his vineyard, many go to great lengths to avoid a genuine conversation with the person they claim has wronged them. Instead, they gather “more wood for the fire,” as Proverbs warns, fueling the flames of discord (Proverbs 26:20-21). If your aim is reconciliation and you seek a path of forgiveness and restoration, the steps below offer a biblical approach to take. But if slander is what you’re after, this outline isn’t for you.
1. Pray and Reflect
- Pray for Wisdom: Ask God for guidance, discernment, and the ability to see the situation through His perspective (James 1:5).
- Examine Your Own Heart: Reflect on your feelings and motives, checking for any sin or bitterness in your own response. Jesus advises self-examination before addressing others (Matthew 7:3-5).
- Forgive in Your Heart: Forgive the person before you even approach them, committing to let go of the offense as Jesus teaches (Matthew 18:21-22).
2. Seek to Understand the Other Person’s Perspective
- Assume the Best Intentions: Remember that misunderstandings often arise from miscommunication or unintentional actions (1 Corinthians 13:7).
- Consider Cultural or Personal Differences: Be mindful that background, personality, or stressors may have influenced their actions.
3. Go Directly to the Person (Privately)
- Approach with Gentleness and Humility: Speak with respect and compassion, not with condemnation or accusation (Galatians 6:1).
- Share Your Feelings, Not Blame: Use “I” statements to express how you felt and why you were hurt without assigning blame (Ephesians 4:15).
- Listen Actively: Give the person a chance to explain their side, which can often clarify misunderstandings (James 1:19).
4. Aim for Reconciliation, Not Revenge
- Seek Unity in Christ: Remember that the goal is to be reconciled and to maintain peace in the body of Christ (Matthew 5:9).
- Offer Forgiveness Freely: Be prepared to forgive completely, just as God forgave us through Christ (Colossians 3:13).
5. Bring in a Third Party (Only if Needed)
- Seek Counsel Wisely: If the issue is not resolved privately, seek guidance from a trusted spiritual leader or mediator (Matthew 18:15-16).
- Avoid Gossip or Public Exposure: Keep the matter private and avoid discussing it unnecessarily with others (Proverbs 11:13).
6. Move Forward in Love and Humility
- Continue to Show Kindness and Grace: Even if reconciliation is difficult, continue to treat the person with Christlike love and grace (Romans 12:18).
- Let God Handle Justice: Trust God with any justice needed and remember His command to love your enemies (Romans 12:19-21).
In the story of Joseph and his brothers, we see one of the most powerful examples of reconciliation in the Bible. Though Joseph’s brothers hated him, sold him into slavery, and caused him years of suffering, God was at work behind the scenes. When they finally stood before him, fearing his retribution, Joseph responded with profound forgiveness and grace, saying, “You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives” (Genesis 50:20). Joseph’s willingness to forgive and reconcile not only restored his family but also fulfilled God’s greater purpose. In the same way, when we choose reconciliation over resentment, God can transform our pain into something redemptive and life-giving for all involved.